I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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