i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
