there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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