sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
