The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
