Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
