The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
