Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
