He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
