I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
