i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize