I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
