I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
