I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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