my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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