so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
