I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
