Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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