and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
