I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize