At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
