why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
