Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
