i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
