Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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