Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
