I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
