You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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