this boner is exhausting
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
