I feel great
I just peed on a car
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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