first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
