You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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