I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
