turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
