I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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