you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
