But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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