I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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