The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
