Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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