This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
