I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
