Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
