My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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