Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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