Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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