I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
