It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize