More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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