I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
