I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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