Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
