Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
