there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
