Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
