Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
