I wish my penis had an off switch
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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