i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
